It’s All About Me For Once

This subject has been kind of danced around for several months now, both here and IRL, but I think it’s high time I just get it out there. I’m weary of being careful and censoring myself. I’ve discovered a few things about myself during all of what has gone down, and one of those things is that it’s okay to be me, honest and unadulterated. To say, think, feel, and do what I want. Being myself – is 100% okay.

At the end of April this year, I left my husband. We were together for 20 years, married for 17, and it was a very difficult and terrifying thing to do, but I did it. I’ll say this right up front. Ending this relationship was 100% my idea. I had been unhappy for a very, very long time. The issues were the same issues that were issues the entire time. I honestly and very seriously could not see anything changing and I decided that I needed to end things. I truly believe it is the best for me and for him and for the kids. I’m not going to get into gory details or any nasty anything. I have zero desire to do anything like that. I wasn’t angry, I was sad and so very tired. I didn’t have animosity, I had apathy. It was time. The relationship had devolved to, well, to nothing really. Not anything real or meaningful anyway. And when the kids started seeing things, I knew it was time to make the change. I considered “sticking it out for the kids” but ultimately decided that we were not setting an example of a good relationship for them. And we weren’t being very good parents in that environment. At least not as good as we could have been. It’s better for them to see us happy apart than miserable together. A happy person is a better person, and a happy parent is a better parent.

Now, I know that with this being my idea, that other people don’t understand or see or accept it. And I get that. I really do. But at the end of the day I needed to do what was best for me and for my kids. My ex isn’t a bad person, he’s really a great person, and he’s a great dad. But we weren’t working anymore.

Because of this split, I have done a lot of trying to figure out who I am, me on my own, just me. Who am I. I felt like at the end I wasn’t living a life of my own really. I had my things that I did and whatever, but I was living as “the wife” or “the mom” and really felt like I didn’t have my own anything. I was sad most of the time, depressed a lot, and soul crushingly lonely. The feeling of being alone was the worst I think. And it is very, very, very likely that a lot of that was self-created. I’ll own that. I can admit that I have always had issues with not feeling worthy and always feeling guilty and it is quite likely that I created some of my own sadness. But my surroundings were certainly not helping.

As soon as I made the decision and began taking over my own life again, once I realized that I could live for myself, take care of my kids, but also take care of me, I started to change. The switch in how I started to thing about things, and think about myself, was, in comparison to how long I had felt like my wants and needs were insignificant, was seemingly instantaneous. I found this quote, when reading about healing after a split like this:

“When you start recovering … you will change. You will become a different person. Recovery makes you self-empowered. It brings you into yourself. It allows you to find your voice. You start making your own decisions, sharing your own opinions, setting up boundaries. You become more assertive and confident.”

Believe it or not … all of what I just typed, about the change being seemingly instant, and how I’m feeling better about myself … I just came to the realization that this has happened … today. It’s been nearly six months since I moved out, and while I’ve been changing and generally feeling better about myself and my life, today was the first time I realized that it’s actually happening. I don’t know if I got caught up in the day to day of trying to make this new life work or what. But I look back at the last year of my life and I really feel like a totally different person. I’ve lost weight. I’m happy. I’m enjoying my life with my kids even more. I’m relaxed and at ease and I don’t feel guilty all the time. As I sit here and think back … I’m kind of amazed.

So to anyone reading this that has been a part of the collective “we” over these last 20 years, who maybe doesn’t understand why I did this, or agree with my doing this, or whatever. All I say is this: I’m sorry if I disappointed you. I’m sorry if I didn’t do what you thought I should have to make it work. But the feeling I have about myself, and my life, right this second, makes all of that meaningless to me. Not that I don’t value your opinion or what you think of me, because I do, to an extent. But when it comes right down to it, this is my life. Mine. The most important opinions to me are mine and those of my two kids. You are entitled to your opinion and maybe someday you will understand me. Maybe not. Maybe someday you can understand that a drastic change is needed to find the happiness you have been looking for. Happiness that isn’t found in what others think, or how others feel, or the stuff you have, or your reputation. It’s the happiness that is inside of you, that allows you to look in the mirror and say that you really, truly like the person looking back at you.

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I actually like the person looking back at me. It’s an amazing feeling. And I can not wait to see what she does next.

Follow The Goosebumps

I found this quote the other day:

Coincidence doesn’t exist and goosebumps never lie. Your body already knows the answer. All you have to do is turn down your spinning mind and continue to follow all signs … because you are always worthy of becoming your best and most actualized self.

~ Victoria Erickson

I added the emphasis there because that is something I need to constantly remind myself. I am worthy.

I stumbled upon this while on a pretty good Pinterest tear the other day. I found it interesting that the more I looked at it, the words that poked at my brain changed.

Initially it was the “spinning mind” line that got me. I’m a chronic over-thinker and haver-of-guilt. My spinning mind can be my greatest enemy and loudest critic. My spinning mind is a real bitch. A giant pain in my ass. She keeps me up at night and makes me second and third and fourth guess just about everything I do.

On  my second read of the quote, the whole “always worthy” thing jumped out at me. The fact that I might be worthy of something is never a thought that I have as a naturally occurring thing. I can’t even begin to understand why that is. People find it surprising about me, because I tend to come off as pretty easy going and positive. Which I certainly am both of those things. And I know that some see me as kind of brassy and loud and opinionated, and I am those things too. But all of my brassiness and loudness come out of me in my humor and creativity. Not in any kind of “real” way. It’s really just a front because I’m certain that I really, down deep, don’t have all that much to offer, except for occasionally being funny. I mean, I know I’m good a things. I’m organized. I’m good at my job. I think I’m a decent parent. But super crappy at so much else that I had to make a very specific and conscious effort to deluge myself with positive self-talk on a daily basis.

*  I’m worth living the life I want to live for me.

*  I’m worth having happiness

*  It’s okay to be selfish every once in a while.

*  I’m just as important as everyone else.

These are not things that just naturally occur to me, so it’s a constant struggle. I like this quote because it is a reminder that wanting what I want isn’t wrong simply because I want it, it is right for that very same reason. And that’s enough.

Finally, the first line began to speak to me. First of all, as an NCIS fan, this is Rule 39. Gibbs was right after all. But more than the coincidence thing, it’s the goosebumps thing.

I. Love. Loving. Things.

To me, “Goosebumps Don’t Lie” basically means: if something touches you and makes you feel something good or wonderful …. it’s a good thing. You should do more of that thing. It kind of is what I started telling myself when I sat myself down and had a little talk with myself a just a little over a year-ish ago. I was tired of just plain not being happy. I was tired of feeling used and taken advantage of and under-appreciated and under loved. I was so very tired of all of it, and I realized the only person who really truly could make a change in my life was me. None of the other stuff was gonna change any time soon. It hadn’t changed in years and years and coming to the realization (and acceptance) of that fact was one of the most enlightening discoveries I have ever made. The fact that the only changes that were gonna happen were the ones made by me and that it really, truly, wouldn’t be the total and complete end of the world in the grand scheme – life changing. Literally.

So here is to 2016 – The Year Of Me. Here is to me continuing to try to find my happiness and at the same time and happy and full life for my kids. Here is to my trying to tame my spinning mind. Here is to me learning that I am worthy of the life I want. Here is to me living by Rule 39 (** as well as Rules 5, 8, 23, 36, 45, 51 … and 2).

Here is to me following my goosebumps.

My Bucket Is Empty

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I’m working on a bucket list style collection for my bullet journal and am having SERIOUS problems coming up with items for my list!

I really thought I was much more interesting than I am … clearly. I got to about 6 things and was totally stumped.

I was hoping for a cute “50 Before 50” kind of thing … but I’m really struggling.
Any ideas? Suggestions? What should I try to do in my life before I turn 50. Not too proud to say that that will be in 2020 … so maybe 50 is too many things to try to do? Comment with ideas please … I need them!

Maybe I should cut it in half and do a “25 Before 50” instead.

Still. 6 is not 25.

Halp!!

 

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BuJo: TV Tracker

I’m pretty happy with how my first big two-page tracker layout turned out! It’s a TV Tracker … and I’m using it to track current television shows I’m watching. Yes I know … Captain Obvious.  img_20161006_102436-01

I have some space to add more shows if I stumble upon anything else I want to watch this season.

Needless to say … I’m really digging this bullet journal thing.

Next up: a tracker for any shows I’m currently binge watching and a new daily layout I tried.

 

 

 

Bullet Journal – My First Set Up

It has been a few days now of me doing this Bullet Journal thing and I think I’m kinda digging it!  I’m trying to keep it simple, so I don’t overwhelm myself and stop before I really get started, which is so
mething I am very apt to do. But I’m ready to show the world my first few pages. Here goes nothing!

Monthly Log: October 2016img_20160930_201451-01

This is super simple, because I’m not sure how I want my month pages to look yet. Again, trying not to put too much pressure on myself to make it “perfect” … just functional. I did manage to draw a pumpkin though. So there’s that.

Daily Layouts:

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I’m doing a full page per day at this point, mostly because that is what I’m used to with my work planner. This is subject to change as I go, depending on what I end up tracking on a daily basis.

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Right now I’m tracking my water intake on my daily page and (not shown here) my daily expenses, if I have them. I’m doing a “No Spend” tracker for the month as well (more on that later)- but wanted a breakdown of expenses so I can try to budget better

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I’m also leaving space for a Daily Gratitude entry and trying to make sure I do some sort of self care every day, even if it is just sitting in bed for an extra 15 minutes in the morning playing Candy Crush on my phone. Need to make this a habit and hope this helps.

Habit Trackers

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They say to start small with these so you don’t get overwhelmed, so I started with three that I think are things I really need to focus on. Exercising, Spending, and a better Morning Routine. We’ll see how this goes.

Collections – Book Log

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At this point my only Collection is logging the books I’ve read from October – December of 2016. I’m acutally really, really happy with this page. It gives me hope that this BuJo thing is something I’m going to enjoy doing AND enjoy looking at.

Next Up: I’ve worked ahead on a few daily layouts and am in the planning stages of a Collection / Tracker for the TV Shows I’m currently watching. I’m hoping to continue to keep it simple and not try to add too much too soon. But, so far so good!