Positively Exhausting

I am currently making a concious effort at being a more positive and kind person. It is a daily struggle. Making this difficult for me is the constant battle against the war in my brain that happens, thanks to the fun Bipolar roller-coaster I am perpetually riding. Let me tell you … when your coaster car hits that low dip after the giant hill … being happy about anything seems nearly impossible. So to add to the chorus of voices in my head, I try to tell myself that kindness is the best way and negativity only makes things worse for me. And for the world as a whole.

As I go about my day, I am faced with choices. Every person I interact with, it seems, challenges me to temper my response or reaction.

The co-worker who starts the day with a complaint about the weather or the job or life in general. Whatever it is that has put them in a negative space right off the bat.

Me: “Good morning co-worker person”

Them: ” Morning. God traffic was horrible today. People are so stupid!”

Me: “Um … sorry to hear that. At least the sun is out today.”

The friend who you check in with every day or so, who is always tired or sick or some combination thereof.

Me: “Hey there friend! Happy Wednesday!! How’s your day?”

Them: “Ugh. I have a headache. I do NOT want to be here.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Hopefully you’ll have an easy day. It’s Wednesday after all … halfway through the week”

These conversations, and all of the other variations of them imaginable, happen all ay long. I am constantly checking myself. Doing everything I can not to fall in the pit of negativity with them.

I know that 95% of these people probably don’t even know they are being negative. It’s not something that people go around doing on purpose. People don’t “want” to be unhappy. At least not all of them, there is always that 5%. But most people just seem to default to these kind of statements. It’s like it is expected by society to hate. Hate your job. Hate the weather. Hate traffic. Hate getting up on Monday. It’s just what we do. Remember … being kind is hard after all.

Here’s the thing: most days, thanks to whatever chemical is off balance in my brain that particular day, I am struggling to get through the day. Like just bare minimum make it through the day in a normal human way. When I’m in a “bad place” basic life can be a struggle. Getting out of bed. Taking a shower. Making myself presentable for society (doing my hair or make up). Eating food. These are things that can take considerable effort for me some days. And if my coaster is on an extra deep and long downswing … many of these things just don’t happen. Sometimes for many days in a row.

So when I get negative and complaining thoughts tossed at me like so much trash, it would be so easy for me to respond in kind and join them in a big old wallow of self pity. But what nearly always ends up happening? We go to war.

It becomes some kind of contest to see who’s life sucks more. They say they didn’t sleep well. I respond with “That sucks, neither did I” which gets me a “Well I only slept for 4 hours.” And when this happens … this is where my soul gets sucked out and I become exhausted.  Because my brain translates that response as “I only slept for 4 hours therefore I am more tired than you and my life is worse than yours.” And honestly, their life may be worse than mine. I don’t know. But my brain takes that translation, correct or not, and turns it into a giant steaming pile of guilt that quickly turns to something else entirely.

I start off by feeling bad that I complained back to them or sympathized in some way. I didn’t mean to start any kind of My Life Sucks More War. I backpedal and turn positive and maybe offer to help them with something to make up for it and … well help them. It starts as an honest attempt to be a good person to this human who is having a hard time. But them multiply that by all of the people you interact with that toss negative things at you and it can get to be a bit much. Then my brain takes things a whole new direction. In my attempts to end the war and negotiate a truce with offers to help and words of support … any real issues I may be personally having get pushed further and further down. My guilt monster tells me that my issues are stupid and don’t matter. This other person needs support and love. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your shit together. Which reallly aren’t bad things to say to yourself if you are creating some first world problems for yourself. But many days, the depression and apathy towards life I deal with are not the same as McDonalds giving me a medium fry instead of a large one. Thereapy and research have told me time and again that self care is one of the most important things I can do for myself when I’m in a dark place. But my guilt monster is much louder than everything else and he is telling me that I need to “get over myself” and stop being a big baby.

So I negate my own feelings and problems and issues. It’s possible that I’ve had a migraine for 6 days straight. But if someone tells me they have a headache … I will be damned if I will say I have one too. Because nine times out of ten all that is going to get me is some response about  how much worse their headache is than mine. They don’t know I’ve had a headache for almost a week. They only know they have a headache and it really hurts. They aren’t trying to make me feel bad and inconsequential. But my brain can’t see that. All it can see is that I am weak and selfish and stupid and stop complaining already.

So when I’m in a dark place, as I have been for the last few weeks, being positive all day is freaking exhausting. Not because I don’t like being positive. It really is the best way to be and I truly do like caring for other people. It’s why I loved working at a hospital and why I actually do like working in public service. Helping people is awesome. But I always end up selling myself short in the process and just making my dark place that much darker.

I’m a work in progress. I’m always trying to find ways to make myself better. Ways to take care of myself and ways to convince my brain to let me take care of myself. But it’s hard. I’m my own worst critic and I end up in this sad spiral of horrible feelings and self hatred. My new job is actually a bit of a blessing. Being back in public service is helping me. I feel like I’m making a difference again and helping people, like I did at the hospital. Not in the same exact way … but close enough. Seeing a case come to compliance and an issue being resolved in a real and tangible way helps me feel better about myself. Which in turn helps me feel like maybe I deserve to take care of myself. My guilt monster still tends to be the loudest thing in the room but I keep at it.

So if you text me with a complaint I promise not to complain back to you. At least 90% of the time. I will try my best to respond with a kind word and a positive thought. If I can help in any way I will try. I will fail from time to time. I’m not perfect. I hate that the simple act of trying to be kind wears me out so much. But that won’t stop me from trying. I’m a work in progress and some day I will slay my guilt monster.

Until then … the sun is out and it’s Wednesday. The week is almost over.

PS: Leslie Knope is my Spirit Animal

Participation Award

I did it. I got up on a work day, took a shower, did my hair and my make up. I ate some breakfast before I went to work. I did it.

These things may seem small and inconsequential to most people. These are things that normal humans do every day, just becuase. Because they are normal humans. I, however, am not a normal human.

I have Bipolar II. Usually classified as having extreme highs and extreme lows. I tend to trend toward the low most of the time. And my highs, while minimal, can be pretty destructive. Not like breaking chairs and punching walls destructive. But rather, destructive to my relationships and general well-being.

My highs, which are fewer and more far between than my lows, are times where I feel more confident than I really should. My two main “things” when I’m in a manic state are money and sex. Before my official diagnosis and subsequent treatment and medication and self-awareness, it could be pretty bad. I’ve done things in my life I am not proud of. I still experience these manic highs but am able to control them much, MUCH better than I used to. I’m on a pretty good path on that end and with some awesome support in my life currently, the highs are less … well … high.  I’m only getting to about the 3rd floor and not the Penthouse. I have mechanisms in place to help curttail any destructive behavoir and it is making a huge difference.

My lows, are another story.  I seem to have more lows than highs. These episodes last longer and are much, much harder for me to cope with and dig myself out of. And my support system is super understanding of these episodes but even with all of the kindness and love from these people, I still struggle with these sad days and dark thoughts.  My close friends call these episodes my “Hermit” days. They know that there will be times when I will essentially drop off the face of the earth and they won’t hear from me or see me for days on end. They know I’m hermiting. They will reach out and let me know that they notice. They know not to push me or judge me and that their gentle support will help me get through and once I’m out and on the other side of it, I will be more “normal” for a time.

But there are other people in my life, friends, co-workers, others, who just don’t understand. And that’s okay. I get that. I don’t understand it most of the time myself. My apologize sound like really bad excuses. Nothing I do makes much sense to a “normal.” It’s something I’ve come to learn after therapy and reading and living in these hazes. Not everyone will get it. They don’t have to. Whether they understand me or not has no bearing on how I handle my problems. Trust me, there is no person on earth who could pass judgement on me during one of my highs or lows that would cause me to feel worse about myself or give me more guilt than what I have already piled on myself. I am my worst critic. I am my own biggest hater. 

So on days like today, after a couple weeks of not taking care of myself. Of not showering or washing my hair for more days in a row than I’d care to admit publically. For eating chips and dip for dinner or Candy Corn for breakfast, or nothing at all for most of a day. After long stretches of just not caring about much of anything. To have a day where I took a shower, washed my hair, did said hair, put on make up, and ate something before leaving for work in the morning?  Damn straight I want a Participation Award.

I want a shiny trophy that simply said “You Did It.” Just to remind myself that there was a day that I was a normal human. Which means I can have many more.

Ya’ll Gonna Make Me Lose My Mind

I have never really considered myself much of a believer or follower of the kinds of spiritual beliefs or practices hat talk about “energy.” As many people do, I’m sure at one point or another, I scoffed at such things. Made rude comments or unkind jokes. You know, like humans do when faced with something they don’t understand. Don’t understand something? Tear it down. Make fun of it. Seems almost like a national pastime these days. But I digress. I didn’t come here to talk about the general lack of compassion and the inability (or unwillingness) to understand (or want to understand) other people/concepts/ideas/thoughts/beliefs/etc. I came here to talk about energy. Specifically negative energy.

I am in a place where I find myself surrounded by it daily. For large portions of the day. And it is starting to really, REALLY effect me. Not in a good way.

I have worked very hard over the last several years to change my outlook on life to be one of positivity. I’ve tried very hard, and continue to make a conscious effort daily, to not worry about the little things. To just let that shit go. Eliminate as much needless worry as possible and stop expending energy on stupid shit. Well, not really stupid shit, but all of the shit I can’t control. These efforts have made quite a difference. I have in no way eliminated worry or stress from my life, but I have reduced it. I have cut way back on the whole “stewing” about things part of worry. I have made very purpousful decisions about how I will let worry and stress effect me. I know that I annoy people when I say: “It is what it is,” but that phrase really helps me. There are a lot of things in life that you actually have ZERO control over. If you have no control over it, why let it control how you feel and react and respond. Your worrying or stressing about it is NOT going to change it. All you accomplish is generating needless bad feelings and unhappiness. Doing what I can daily to just let shit go has really helped me.

But over the last several weeks the veil of negativity is falling over my life again. I find my self having a much harder time not allowing the negative people I run across on a daily basis get to me. I end up every day cranky and angry and in a flat out foul mood. I have daily headaches that, from what I can tell, are just due to the anticipation and wonder of just how shitty my next day is going to make me feel. I’m exhausted from spending my days talking myself off the ledge. Breathing. Stretching. Looking at puppies online. Whatever I can do to try to offset this negative fog I find myself in. Now, some days are better than others. They aren’t all horrific. But the bad days are becoming more frequent and lasting longer and longer. I don’t like it.

Something has got to give. I’m hoping to get off my ass and start running again, hopefully that will help some. I’m going on an honest-to-God vacation in a couple of weeks. It will only be four short days, but it will be two days away from work and hopefully will help me at least a little. Maybe a little mini-recharge will be just what I need. Hopefully. If not I fear that I will need some of ya’ll to gather together with some bail money. Because some shit is gonna go down.

 

Key to Happiness – Lower Your Expectations

I have been in a funk. It has been for a while now and seems to be getting worse instead of getting better. And I just can’t figure out why exactly. I mean, I have some basic and daily struggles, but overall life is actually pretty good. I have no real reason to feel as low and sad and … empty … as I have been feeling.  Honestly, looking back over the last year and a half … these last few weeks I have been just about as low as I have been during any of that time. The problem with manic depression is that you can fall into these pits and not really be able to identify what pushed you there. So dealing with that while also having a touch of OCD and perfectionism … that’s a bad cocktail of feels.  I feel 100% empty and alone and I don’t know why, which makes me kind of angry, so that layers on top of it. It’s a big ball of ugly that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

I have always said the biggest hurdle to dealing with and living with and managing mental illness is acceptance and understanding. Both for myself and anyone I let into my life. I accept and understand what I deal with and what I need to do to get by on bad days. And I now only let people in my life that also are able to understand and accept this. So, I fully realized that I was spiraling and needed to do something about it before I hit the bleak, dark bottom. It became time to step back and evaluate what the hell my brain was trying to do to myself. Luckily … part of my spiral always includes the fun addition of crippling insomnia into my daily schedule. So bonus – plenty of time to think. It became a matter of constantly re-focusing my brain to something productive and not self-defeating. As I was reading through some affirmations and articles and trying to drill down to what had triggered this mess I realized that it is all me. It is all my own brain self-sabatoging. that pesky brain. At it again.

See … I made a very major change in my life not coming up on almost a year ago. I decided I had enough of being as unhappy as I was in a situation that, realistically, was not going to change. I spent a good couple of years working through all of it before deciding on the change that I made. And I was instantly happier and lighter and … better. I was me again. 100% me. Able to live my life as me and not as someone wanted me to appear to be to everyone else. No more guilt. No more censoring. Just me. And in doing that … my brain got greedy. It decided to start setting some expectations for my life that, honestly, are just not really possible. I mean, they may be at some point, but not right this second. Which is what my brain wanted. It wanted everying it wanted and it wanted it NOW. My brain is Veruca Salt.

 

My problem is I have some unrealistic expectations and a brain that doesn’t want to wait on anything. And let me tell you … it is true … all of those quotes. Expectations can really fuck things up.

Now. Now I get to try to self-talk my brain off the Great Expectations ledge. Convince it that my life is just fine like it is.

Hey Veruca: All those things you think you need for happiness … you really don’t. You don’t need a prince on a white horse to make you happy or take care of you. Take care of yourself for crying out loud. Prince Charming doesn’t exist Veruca. Everyone has issues and they don’t need your stupid issues on top of theirs. The key is working around both sets of issues without throwing temper tantrums because you didn’t get enough attention. Shut up Veruca. You are just fine. Take your neediness and lack of patience and go sit in a corner until you can use your indoor voice. You have a life that is just fine. A little hardship and growing isn’t going to hurt you at all. Suck it up lady. I know you got a taste of the potential your life holds and you’ll get there. Just be patient. I know you want the Golden Goose. You want the happiness and harmony, and you’ll get it. Eventually. And maybe you’ll learn a few things about yourself on the way. Knock off the temper tantrums. Quit kicking your own ass in the dirt. Get over yourself … and get back to yourself. You have you and you are pretty awesome. You don’t need a bunch of things or people or stuff to make you happy. Focus your expectations on yourself and what you can control. Stop setting us up for disappointment for crying out loud. It really sucks when life doesn’t deliver the rediculous things you demand. And I’m getting tired of feeling like this.  So for the love of all that is holy Veruca, lower that bar a bit and enjoy the life you have.

Let It Go … Away

737bc5db03299f98464cfc69879e051eHere’s a shocking bit of news … I hate winter.

I don’t like that it is gray and gloomy most days where I live during the winter months. It makes me sad and I certainly don’t need any help being sad for fucks sake. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a thing for reals and it is no fun. I learned long ago that I need sunshine in my life or I get stabby and ugly and snarkier than normal. Which is no fun for anyone. I use my halogen desk lamp at work 20% for being able to see my work and 80% to keep me warm and make me feel better.

I don’t like driving in snow and ice and nasty stuff. I don’t like that the people that live where I do lose their everlovin’ minds in regards to being able to drive like logical and sane f3b6c0108b95c1d3a51ffd1cf5fbf3cahuman beings in bad weather. We live in Ohio for crying out loud. It snows every God damn year. It’s not a surprise. Why do you all have the need to re-learn how to
drive in the snow and ice
and slush every fucking year? I mean seriously. I hate all of you. My only saving grace at this point is that I live less than a mile from my job so I don’t have to go far and deal with too many idiots. But still. So annoying.

I don’t like being cold. This is perhaps the biggest think I dislike most about winter. I can deal with temps in the 60’s and maybe even the 50’s if the sun is around. But when it starts to dip intothe low 50’s with  no sun, or anything under about 48 degrees and I’m frozen and struggling to get warm again. I live in warm running pants and hooded sweatshirts and warm winter socks. I dress in multiple layers on a daily basis. I
have a space heater and giant fuzzy blanket at my desk at work and to a normal person walking in my office, you’d think our heat was not working or something. I 6f9b1de3780d1f823ed2e057f2d2d3dehave two electric blankets on my bed that run all winter long, every night. I drink hot coffee and tea non stop. I feel like some days it’s a constant battle to just try and stay warm that I may never win. In addition to just plain being cold, I have an extreme sensitivity to cold air that makes my eyes water incessently. I literally look like I’ve been sobbing if I am outside for any length of time. And if there is a wind on top of the cold – I’m a freaking mess.  So then my skin dries out and gets chapped and I have an eternal “red face” all winter long. It’s so much fun.

So as I feverishly count the days until it’s warm again … I will focus on the things I do enjoy about winter. Ready for some really fucked up nonsense?

I like shoveling snow. I like getting out when we’ve had a decent number of inches of snowfall and shoveling the shit out of it. It is the BEST workout and there is something very satisfying to my cold little OCD heart
about systematically clearing off a driveway or sidewalk. Go figure. It ends up KILLING my back but I know that the cardio I get from it is amazing. And just seeing the cleaned off spaces, all need and tidy, makes me feel a little bit happier inside.

So … while I begin the countdown of 194 days until Summer officiall arrives … enjoy a photo of an octopus wearing a top hat. Because he makes me happy and represents all things exciting and joyful.

 

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Hang in there little Excite-o-pus … only 27 weeks until it is warm again in Ohio.

Perfect Timing: It’s Me

As I struggle through my new life I am finding that I have so many more issues than I realized. I’m a hot mess, plain and simple. And just when I think I’ve got it figured out some random, innocuous, and stupid thing will hit me up side the head and throw me into a tail spin.

I subscribe to a newsletter from a website called Psych Central, a throwback to my Psych Major days and the inner Psychologist in me that likes to pop her head out every now and then and get all up in someone elses business.  And like they say, doctors and nurses make the worst patients … the same can be said for this. I feel like I’m pretty good at helping others talk through issues but when it comes to myself … I can’t talk myself into or out of anything really.  So while I enjoy reading up on all things psychiatric … it also is a lot of self help related reading.

Today’s newsletter had an article that I needed and I needed it exactly right now.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I struggle in my relationships. And not just “intimate” relationships, but all of them really. I struggle with many things, and all if it takes place in my own messed up brain. If I identify-with-tinkerbell-a-lot-because-she-needs-attention-or-2312846don’t get enough information, I start to assume and I usually assume the worst. I lack confidence in myself and so I just assume that everyone else also sees me the same way. My days are a constant struggle inside my head, using self talk and other coping mechanisims, to keep myself from devolving into a crying pile of goo.

Luckily I have some amazing friends and people who care about me and they know this. They know how to deal with me and what to say, and what not to say. And I am getting better at talking myself off the ledge but I still struggle. The post on Psych Central that helped me so much today was titled “Relationship Distress 101: Is It Them, Or Is It Me?”  Chances are … it’s me.

My biggest take-away from reading this: identify your button and make sure others know about it. If I can identify the thing or things that set me off, and I can make others aware of them, as silly as they may be, I can help them help me . My main issues rarely stem from something someone else is doing “wrong” but from something they just may not be doing at all that I might need personally to help my brain chill the fuck out. I need information. Affirmation. Validation. And if I don’t verbally hear these things I start to assume and when I assume it never goes well.  It goes way beyond that old adage of making an ass of myself. I can throw myself into a full blown, bottomed out, bipolar-depressive, ugly-cry, ball of mess.

So … note to anyone out there wondering. I’m not needy, I’m wanty. Feed me with lots of attention, yummy food, backrubs a few times a week, an occasional beer or some nice whiskey or scotch, and I’ll love you forever.

#Tinkerbell

Radio Silence

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I’ve been sitting on this quote for a while now, hesitant to share it on Facebook, as I know I will receive an onslaught of “what’s wrongs?” and “are you okays?” and I don’t want to have to explain in that venue. Honestly there isn’t much to explain. Hard to explain things that you don’t really understand yourself. I don’t know what causes my Biploar swings. It’s super annoying because if I could avoid whatever it is that takes me from a great place and puts me in a shitty place, I’d totally avoid it. However, it isn’t that easy. Life is way more complex than that, and I’m a complex person.

Being a complex person can make life interesting, to say the least. But it can cause some problems as you may well know. I think the majority of us are pretty complex folks and things like feelings and emotions and beliefs are not always cut and dried. There are lots of in-betweens and almosts and kind-ofs involved.

My current dilemma has to do with not knowing. Of being unsure. I really don’t like it. And my difficulty lies in that I’m in one way an introvert who avoids confrontation at all costs. I don’t like asking difficult questions or going to places that may be uncomfortable. But dammit, I want to know the answers anyway and when I don’t, it leaves me … thinking too much. And being stuck inside my own brain is not always a great place to be. Many people would describe me as outgoing and confident in a way that is true. But I’m also not at all. Not even a little. And when I’m stuck in my own brain, my insecurities take total control and I end up creating a million different variants of what the reality could be and none of them are ever good.

So currently, I’m in a situation where I just don’t know. I don’t know where I stand. I don’t’ know where things are going. I just don’t know and it’s making me a little coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs. Some days I think I know, and then I just tell myself that maybe that is just wishful thinking. Then I tell myself to stop being so negative. Then I tell myself to stop worrying so much and just let life happen. Then I ask myself “can you die from loneliness?” Then I tell myself to get a fucking grip and stop the pity party. Then I either drink heavily or cry myself to sleep. Sometimes both.

crazy-eyes-hillarious-animals-with-funny-faces-pics

A rational person would just ask the questions to get the answers, but I’m not a very rational person much of the time. So instead I assume and imagine and wonder and worry and make myself … well I make myself sad. And I know I’m doing it to myself … which also makes me sad. There is nothing worse than being a self-aware over-thinker.

When I become sad I tend to shut down. Which also does NOT help things much. Then, after I shut down for a bit, I over-compensate by regurgitating every inappropriate and funny thing I can find onto my social media pages in an attempt to convince myself and everyone else that “I’m winning at life!” and “I’ve got this!” and “Everything is fine over here!” when in reality I’m a giant puddle of goo on the inside that just wants someone to pick her up and put her in their pocket and take care of her.

So anyone who actually reads these on a regular basis and follows my ridiculousness on Facebook or wherever .. when I go quiet it’s only temporary. I’ll pull myself out of it either with some kick ass self talk or lots of vodka. And I’ll be dropping F bombs in public again real soon. It will take more than Bipolar Disorder, over-thinking, and crippling self-doubt to knock me out of this race.

* NaBloPoMo: Day 9 *

 

I’m A Weirdo

I discovered something today. Not that I’m weird. I already knew that. The title of this post is not revelatory in any way. But, I still discovered something about myself today. Actually, more of a re-discovery than anything. I knew this but had forgotten because the information was rendered unnecessary, but circumstances have put me back in an old place and so …

I digress.

I love laundromats. Like coin-operated laundromats. Like a pack up all your shit and haul it to a whole other building to wash it kind of laundromat.

I don’t really enjoy doing laundry or anything. I mean, it’s not the worst thing, but not something I look forward to. But today I needed to do some laundry and current circumstances mean that I need to take my clothes somewhere else for that, because I don’t have a washer or dryer.

I researched on Yelp (I am a creature of social media after all) and decided on a place to try. It was in a good neighborhood in town, close to some shops and what not if I got totally bored. So I packed up my laptop (free WiFi) and headed out. I stopped on my way for one of my favorite frozen tea latte’s (Matcha Berry at Crimson Cup – try it – it’s fantastic), because I’m just hipster enough (I also got a bottle of water, hydration is important), and headed to the laundromat.

The first thing I realized is that I’m not only weird, I’m also a dumb ass, and forgot my detergent. Luckily I am smart enough to have not waited weeks to do laundry, so I only had two loads (hehehe loads) and only had to spend a buck fifty on detergent. Lesson learned.

It was not packed, which was fantastic considering it was about 1:00 on a Sunday afternoon. So I picked a machine and got started.

The first realization I had was that, I can do more than one load at a time and that is fucking amazing. Waiting for wash/dry/wash/dry/wash/dry makes me want to kick kittens, so getting it all done at once is great.

The second realization is that, I was removed from the distractions of my apartment (squirrel) and was able to actually get some shit done that I’ve been trying to get done, very unsuccessfully, all week. Typed up a document that was due on Tuesday. Bam. Thought of a few new blog post topics. Boom. Got a little bit of fun people watching done. Bazinga. Got my laundry done, folded, and organized before getting back to my apartment. Mission. Freaking. Accomplished.

Overall it was a great experience. Clean place, no super weird homeless people or anything, no creepy uncle types, no wild-haired cat ladies talking to themselves in the corner (all things I have seen at laundromats in the past). Just some folks doing some laundry on a Sunday afternoon.

Kinda looking forward to next week.

I know. I’m weird.

Tipsy TV – Walking Dead Edition

Recently I found myself several episodes behind on The Walking Dead and spent an evening home alone trying to catch up. As it has been a shitty and stressful couple of weeks, I had a couple of beers with my food while I was watching and soon found myself a bit tipsy. I discovered something about myself during this experience.

When I’m part-way to drunk and watching TV home alone – I tend to talk to the television. I found myself having conversations with the characters. Asking them questions. Yelling at them. Bargaining with them. Encouraging them. Calling them dumb-asses occasionally. It’s as if, in my brain, they were actually there in my basement with me and somehow I could interact with them and “help” them through their current situation.

If an alien species were to have stopped by and peeked in on me, it would not have reflected well on the human race. Partially because, well because I was screaming and conversing with made up characters on an inanimate object in my basement. Also because most of what was spewing from my pie hole were not actually completely formed sentences.

So below are some of my rants and observations from the three episodes I watched.  For spoilers sake – in case that matters and in case someone out there is further behind than I am, the episodes I watched were: “Knots Untie,” “Not Tomorrow Yet,” and “The Same Boat.”

 

***** INSERT SPOILER SPACE HERE – BUT IT ISN’T REALLY NECESSARY BECAUSE WHAT FOLLOWS IS MOSTLY GIBBERISH *****

 

—  Carol and her God Damn cookies – the feels!

 

—  After watching Ross Marquand do Nano-Impressions, it’s hard to see him be serious anywhere else.

 

—  Carol, oh Carol. I love you”

 

—  Carol quote of the night:  “‘Cause, asshole”

 

—  “What?! Gabriel?! Jesus?! WHAT?!!”

 

—  Another great quote: “This is the next world”

 

—  (screamed during a battle scene): “shit fuck God Dammit fuck shit fuck Jesus Christ Holy shit”

 

—  Yet another quote/moment: “Let not your heart be troubled.” (Amen. Holy shit)

 

—  Observation: Paula’s voice makes me want to punch babies. Just shut it already.

 

—  Ooooooh … Maggie is pissed!

 

So, yeah. Basically I discovered that I’m a giant crazy person when I watch a show I’m passionate about. And put a little alcohol in me …. WTF is wrong with me!

DLM Challenge

Among the things I love in life, high on the list is the movie watching experience. Going to a theater, getting some popcorn, settling in, watching the previews (seriously one of my favorite things on earth). The sound, vibrating your chest, the visuals. I love it all. Comedies, dramas, action/adventure, documentary … pretty much any genre I love them all. I really love watching movies.

I also love comedy in general. Stand up in particular. So there is one comedian who also loves movies and I listen to his podcast regularly: Doug Loves Movies (if you like movies and comedy, I highly recommend it). This year, Doug is holding a challenge of sorts. In honor of leap year, watch 366 movies this year. So, I’m going to try it. I discovered it late (about two and a half weeks into the new year) so I’m already behind, but I’m gonna give it a go anyway, because I love movies. I’m hoping it will encourage me to see more movies in the theater, something that my kids and I love to do together. But also, between Netflix and Hulu and the other online streaming services, movies are easy to get and watch.

Now, I’m not a professional critic by any stretch of the imagination, but I am going to also attempt to do a review of sorts when I watch something. Technically, I’ve already reviewed Movie #3: Lazer Team. I will try to come back to #1: Star Wars: The Force Awakens and #2: The Skeleton Twins when I have a chance.

Anyway. Here’s to a shit ton of movies this year!