Could I Be?

I’m a fan of Tumblr. I can waste hours on Tumblr watching gifs of my favorite shows and movies and losing myself in stupid viral videos. It is a huge time suck for me and a place I go when I’m totally bored and just need to kill time or find a way to numb my brain from what is happening around me.

Recently I lost myself down the Tumblr rabbit hole of Friends related pages. And I discovered something. I am Chandler Bing.

Let me explain:

do with my life

I’m 45 years old and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I mean, I know what I’d like to be doing, but without unlimited free time and a shit ton of money for a whole new college education … that’s not gonna happen. So … yeah.

dumb things

I’m an idiot. I have a kick-ass sense of humor and have been told by many people that I’m quite funny. But really … just an idiot.

make fun

If you say something dumb, or make a typo on Facebook, misspeak a cliche, or fall down … I will make fun of you. Relentlessly.

sarcastic comment

Sarcasm is my first language. Some days … it’s my only language.

regret eat

Food is a huge weakness for me. I started running to, yes lose weight and get in shape, but also so I can continue to eat whatever I want. Even if that means I have Whoppers for breakfast and Swedish Fish for lunch and a large pizza with 6 beers for dinner, so be it. At least I ran today.

swallow our feelings

I will swallow my feelings until I explode. And even then I’ll pick them all up and put them right back in where they belong.

self loathing

The amount of guilt and crippling low self esteem I carry with me daily is staggering. Sometimes I wonder how I can manage to walk to the bathroom when I get out of bed in the morning.

long day

I love a good bath. I swear, if I won the lottery, I’d spend it all on Lush bath bombs.

And to round out my similarities:

 

Yep. I am Chandler Bing. And I’m pretty okay with that.

2016: The Year of The Tattoo

2016 is going to be quite a year for me. I have decided this. I haven’t made any specific resolutions or anything like that, but this year will be different. I’m determined to find my “happy place” and be the best me – the real me.

This will also be the year I get a tattoo … I have officially decided that as well.

I have a lot of ideas as far as what kind of tattoo I want. My problem is I have too many ideas, and as is in my nature, I’m pretty certain that once I get one, I won’t be able to stop there.

Some of my ideas have some deep meanings behind them.

For example, this one, inspired by the “Project Semicolon” movement:

semicolon - story not over

Project Semicolon describes itself as a “movement dedicated to presenting hope and love to those who are struggling with depression, suicide, addiction, and self-injury. Project Semicolon exists to encourage, love, and inspire.”

Be definition a semicolon means that the author could have chosen to end the sentence, but then choose not to. The parallel being that the sentence is your life and you are the author.


These next three are all inspired by my dad, who I lost to Esophageal Cancer in 1999. He loved anything that had to do with Ireland and the Irish. So these designs are extremely special to me:


Some of them have roots in Pop Culture – which is shocking I know.

Like this adroable “Up” inspred tattoo:

adventure is out there

Or this thought from Peter Pan:

never grow up

Or any number of Doctor Who inspired Circular Gallifreyan designs:

gallifreyan

Or this fantastic message from JRR Tolkien:

not all who wander are lost


Then there are just the things I have found on Pinterest that I think are totally adorable:

Like, who doesn’t love a super cute singing elephant?

singing elephant

Or this beautiful watercolor style bird:

bird

Or for the gamer nerd inside me:

power button


So yeah, I plan on getting a tattoo this year. At least one, and then who knows, maybe someday they will write song about me as well!

Music To Run To

I have recently started running again, after many years of not running (or doing any significant kind of real physical activity), and I’m quite enjoying it. I know that “they” say you shouldn’t run with headphones in, because you need to hear traffic and dogs and wild bears and whatever else is out that could potentially kill you while you run, but whatever. I like music too much not to. If I happen to be attacked by a wild bear while I’m jamming to some Rage Against The Machine … at least I will die happy and rocking out.

giphy

Now, here is where my OCD tendencies come in to play. I’ve spent nearly three days now, building a playlist to run to. Here’s a little back story:

I spent most of my youth in dance classes and marching band, so because of that, rhythm is very important to me. It is something that flows through me and I can’t ignore it. It’s a blessing and a curse. I can tear up a dance floor …. but as soon as someone starts snapping on 1 & 3 … I want to beat them over the head with the nearest chair. So, because of this, when I’m running, or walking, or moving around at all, and music is involved. I tend to start to move in time with the music. As you can imagine, training for a race involves pacing and interval training, and I have found that I can’t just have some rando list of music playing. I need it to be in order.

mr crabs eye twitch

Luckily I found a great website called Jog.Fm that has a pretty good database of music that you can sort by Pace or Beats Per Minute (BPM). This has proved both very helpful and a giant, king-sized time suck. I have a very large and extensive list of music styles that I love to listen to. Lots of varied favorite artists. So narrowing it down to what will pump me up while I’m running while also moving along in an organized way for some decent pacing has been …. challenging. I won’t go into the details of my work, but it does involve spreadsheets … because OCD.

So I am finishing up a playlist for when I run that will start off at a certain pace and take me through increasing speeds at certain intervals, working up to some sprints here and there. Clearly it is a work in progress and I am certain I will continue tweaking it … probably forever because I’m insane like that. But for now … I’m happy with what I’m starting with.

For anyone interested, here is a portion (there are 60+ songs on it at this point – so these are highlights) of my “Just Keep Running” playlist:

  • “Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit
  • “Oxford Comma” by Vampire Weekend
  • “Sing” by Ed Sheeran
  • “Elastic Heart” by Sia
  • “Devour” by Disturbed
  • “Girls” by the Beastie Boys
  • “It’s All Been Done” by Barenaked Ladies
  • “The Boys Are Back” by the Dropkick Murphys
  • “Leave Me Alone I’m Lonely” by Pink
  • “Gone Daddy Gone” by Violent Femmes
  • “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry
  • “Grade 9” by Barenaked Ladies
  • “Another Day” from the RENT Soundtrack
  • “Brass Monkey” by the Beastie Boys
  • “Renegades of Funk” by Rage Against The Machine
  • “U + Ur Hand” by Pink
  • “Lego House” by Ed Sheeran
  • “Higher Ground” by Red Hot Chili Peppers
  • “To The Kill” by Violent Femmes
  • “Lose Yourself” by Eminem

Yeah. I’m kind of all over the place.

 

Relax. Don’t Do It.

I have a phrase that I use, probably more than I should, that is highly inappropriate, but as I age and find that I have a strong desire to be exactly who I am and I really don’t care who thinks whatever about me, I find myself using more publicly than I have in the past.

For example today, I have a large conversation happening on a Facebook thread – revolving around this phrase:

“Calm Your Tits”

I think it is an amazing phrase. Very descriptive. Says exactly what I want it to say. Just the right amount of raunch. Perfect.

It is getting attention, and comments, on Facebook from the regular band of misfits that are my friends, as well as a few other people, who it seems like the phrase but aren’t exactly sure how to publicly respond to it without looking like creepers or weirdos. Which got me to thinking about this phrase and the “normal” words it replaces and maybe some other things you could say instead.

This, my friends, took me down an entire rabbit hole on Imgur of alternate phrases that directly branch from my favorite.

So, starting with the more main stream ways to tell someone to “relax.” According to The Online Slang Dictionary, some things you could say are:

  • Chill.
  • Mellow.
  • Simmer Down.
  • Chillax.
  • Cool Your Jets.
  • Decompress.
  • Play it Cool (which just reminds me of “West Side Story”).
  • Unwind.
  • Veg Out.
  • Take It Easy.
  • Take a Chill Pill (*see note)
Note: Ironically, I got my newsletter from Atlas Obscura today and it had an article about this history of the term “Chill Pill” and where it came from. Apparently, in the 1800’s a Chill Pill was a real thing that you took to get rid of the chills (of all things). If you follow that link you can not only find the actual recipe for a “Chill Pill” but you can also read the chronological history, involving fish and Eton college and the Sugarhill Gang, on how we got from an actual pill for chills to taking a chill pill meaning that you should relax.

I found a few more terms on Urban Dictionary. Honestly none of them were as entertaining as I’d hoped. The only one I found that was different from any other regular dictionary was: Jam Your Hype.

#notimpressed

However. I found my pot of gold on Imgur. Thank the Inappropriate Gods for Imgur. I stumbled up on a thread that was nothing but alternative phrases to replace “Calm Your Tits.” I found a lot that I liked and one that might almost replace the original as my favorite.

The suggestions worth noting:

  • Soothe Your Boobs.
  • De-stress Your Breasts.
  • Holster Your Honkers.
  • Mediate Your Melons.

Two get some serious Honorable Mention:

“Undo The Calamity That Is Your Mammaries”

and

“Don’t Have A Rack Attack”

Then my second favorite:

“Hakuna Your Tata’s”

What a wonderful phrase! LOL!

But …. after reading an earlier post on here this will make total sense … my new almost all-time favorite:

Preview.jpg

I must stay though, as much as I love this …. it will never replace the original in my heart. I’m sorry, but just saying “Calm Your Tits” makes me feel better. Whether it actually works on calming any tits anywhere or not.

And, obviously because I’m a visual person, I have two totally amazing Calm Your Tits related pictures that my friends and I will bust out every now and then. I will leave you with these:

061
Because sometimes you just need to have Rowdy Tits.

and:

Calm-your-tit-Just-one-tit-Leave-the-other-one-cra.jpg
Because I know that each and every one of you has a party tit inside just dying to get out and lose control.

Happy Tuesday Weirdos.