Splintering Chaos

afd197fd4af2e0c898cf1ec9fba53281

As I begin this new chapter in my life, I am making a lot of changes. The majority of those changes have to do with how I see myself in the world, how I see myself as myself, and how I feel about myself in general. I’ve spent a lot of years not thinking the best of myself and I’m working very hard and very consciously to change that. Like they say, first you must love yourself. That is a concept that is very difficult for me.

So, as any self respecting woman does, I turned to Pinterest. I went there searching for quotes and images and anything I could find to inspire and remind myself that it’s  okay to feel this way about yourself. It is still difficult for me to take a compliment and just accept it, but I’m trying.

I found the quote up top and really like the descriptors. I feel like this could be me. I would like this to be me. This quote is who I want to be when I grow up. Full of passion and chaos and mischief and thunder. All at once or not at all. And yes, I’m not stopping for anyone.

I’m A Weirdo

I discovered something today. Not that I’m weird. I already knew that. The title of this post is not revelatory in any way. But, I still discovered something about myself today. Actually, more of a re-discovery than anything. I knew this but had forgotten because the information was rendered unnecessary, but circumstances have put me back in an old place and so …

I digress.

I love laundromats. Like coin-operated laundromats. Like a pack up all your shit and haul it to a whole other building to wash it kind of laundromat.

I don’t really enjoy doing laundry or anything. I mean, it’s not the worst thing, but not something I look forward to. But today I needed to do some laundry and current circumstances mean that I need to take my clothes somewhere else for that, because I don’t have a washer or dryer.

I researched on Yelp (I am a creature of social media after all) and decided on a place to try. It was in a good neighborhood in town, close to some shops and what not if I got totally bored. So I packed up my laptop (free WiFi) and headed out. I stopped on my way for one of my favorite frozen tea latte’s (Matcha Berry at Crimson Cup – try it – it’s fantastic), because I’m just hipster enough (I also got a bottle of water, hydration is important), and headed to the laundromat.

The first thing I realized is that I’m not only weird, I’m also a dumb ass, and forgot my detergent. Luckily I am smart enough to have not waited weeks to do laundry, so I only had two loads (hehehe loads) and only had to spend a buck fifty on detergent. Lesson learned.

It was not packed, which was fantastic considering it was about 1:00 on a Sunday afternoon. So I picked a machine and got started.

The first realization I had was that, I can do more than one load at a time and that is fucking amazing. Waiting for wash/dry/wash/dry/wash/dry makes me want to kick kittens, so getting it all done at once is great.

The second realization is that, I was removed from the distractions of my apartment (squirrel) and was able to actually get some shit done that I’ve been trying to get done, very unsuccessfully, all week. Typed up a document that was due on Tuesday. Bam. Thought of a few new blog post topics. Boom. Got a little bit of fun people watching done. Bazinga. Got my laundry done, folded, and organized before getting back to my apartment. Mission. Freaking. Accomplished.

Overall it was a great experience. Clean place, no super weird homeless people or anything, no creepy uncle types, no wild-haired cat ladies talking to themselves in the corner (all things I have seen at laundromats in the past). Just some folks doing some laundry on a Sunday afternoon.

Kinda looking forward to next week.

I know. I’m weird.

Seven Rules for Dealing When You Can’t Even

A friend shared this on Facebook today and it really spoke to me, because this is a list of seven simple things that I think most of us would do well to remember. I know that I carry round enormous amounts of guilt and self-loathing on a daily basis and I struggle a great deal with things like patience, self-esteem, over thinking, and generally being able to shut my brain off.

Recently my life has taken a bit of a turn and I find myself with a “lot going on.” Which is really code for “shit is kind of falling apart and I’m holding on by a string but putting on a smile and powering through.” I have great days and I have super shitty days and through it all I have been constantly trying to remind myself of many of the things on this list. Things like the fact that I am in charge of my happiness and I do have both the power and the right to be happy. I will get through this and I will be better and stronger for it in the end, and deep down I know that. But on my bad days, it’s nice to have little reminders like this list.

It also helps to sing the Kimmy Schmidt theme in my head, I’ve said before that she is my Spirit Animal and I’ve adopted that theme as my mantra. After all, it’s true. I am unbreakable. Females are strong as hell. Dammit.

1236196_10152147905758089_8592665363355336377_n

2016: The Year of The Tattoo

2016 is going to be quite a year for me. I have decided this. I haven’t made any specific resolutions or anything like that, but this year will be different. I’m determined to find my “happy place” and be the best me – the real me.

This will also be the year I get a tattoo … I have officially decided that as well.

I have a lot of ideas as far as what kind of tattoo I want. My problem is I have too many ideas, and as is in my nature, I’m pretty certain that once I get one, I won’t be able to stop there.

Some of my ideas have some deep meanings behind them.

For example, this one, inspired by the “Project Semicolon” movement:

semicolon - story not over

Project Semicolon describes itself as a “movement dedicated to presenting hope and love to those who are struggling with depression, suicide, addiction, and self-injury. Project Semicolon exists to encourage, love, and inspire.”

Be definition a semicolon means that the author could have chosen to end the sentence, but then choose not to. The parallel being that the sentence is your life and you are the author.


These next three are all inspired by my dad, who I lost to Esophageal Cancer in 1999. He loved anything that had to do with Ireland and the Irish. So these designs are extremely special to me:


Some of them have roots in Pop Culture – which is shocking I know.

Like this adroable “Up” inspred tattoo:

adventure is out there

Or this thought from Peter Pan:

never grow up

Or any number of Doctor Who inspired Circular Gallifreyan designs:

gallifreyan

Or this fantastic message from JRR Tolkien:

not all who wander are lost


Then there are just the things I have found on Pinterest that I think are totally adorable:

Like, who doesn’t love a super cute singing elephant?

singing elephant

Or this beautiful watercolor style bird:

bird

Or for the gamer nerd inside me:

power button


So yeah, I plan on getting a tattoo this year. At least one, and then who knows, maybe someday they will write song about me as well!

Music To Run To

I have recently started running again, after many years of not running (or doing any significant kind of real physical activity), and I’m quite enjoying it. I know that “they” say you shouldn’t run with headphones in, because you need to hear traffic and dogs and wild bears and whatever else is out that could potentially kill you while you run, but whatever. I like music too much not to. If I happen to be attacked by a wild bear while I’m jamming to some Rage Against The Machine … at least I will die happy and rocking out.

giphy

Now, here is where my OCD tendencies come in to play. I’ve spent nearly three days now, building a playlist to run to. Here’s a little back story:

I spent most of my youth in dance classes and marching band, so because of that, rhythm is very important to me. It is something that flows through me and I can’t ignore it. It’s a blessing and a curse. I can tear up a dance floor …. but as soon as someone starts snapping on 1 & 3 … I want to beat them over the head with the nearest chair. So, because of this, when I’m running, or walking, or moving around at all, and music is involved. I tend to start to move in time with the music. As you can imagine, training for a race involves pacing and interval training, and I have found that I can’t just have some rando list of music playing. I need it to be in order.

mr crabs eye twitch

Luckily I found a great website called Jog.Fm that has a pretty good database of music that you can sort by Pace or Beats Per Minute (BPM). This has proved both very helpful and a giant, king-sized time suck. I have a very large and extensive list of music styles that I love to listen to. Lots of varied favorite artists. So narrowing it down to what will pump me up while I’m running while also moving along in an organized way for some decent pacing has been …. challenging. I won’t go into the details of my work, but it does involve spreadsheets … because OCD.

So I am finishing up a playlist for when I run that will start off at a certain pace and take me through increasing speeds at certain intervals, working up to some sprints here and there. Clearly it is a work in progress and I am certain I will continue tweaking it … probably forever because I’m insane like that. But for now … I’m happy with what I’m starting with.

For anyone interested, here is a portion (there are 60+ songs on it at this point – so these are highlights) of my “Just Keep Running” playlist:

  • “Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit
  • “Oxford Comma” by Vampire Weekend
  • “Sing” by Ed Sheeran
  • “Elastic Heart” by Sia
  • “Devour” by Disturbed
  • “Girls” by the Beastie Boys
  • “It’s All Been Done” by Barenaked Ladies
  • “The Boys Are Back” by the Dropkick Murphys
  • “Leave Me Alone I’m Lonely” by Pink
  • “Gone Daddy Gone” by Violent Femmes
  • “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry
  • “Grade 9” by Barenaked Ladies
  • “Another Day” from the RENT Soundtrack
  • “Brass Monkey” by the Beastie Boys
  • “Renegades of Funk” by Rage Against The Machine
  • “U + Ur Hand” by Pink
  • “Lego House” by Ed Sheeran
  • “Higher Ground” by Red Hot Chili Peppers
  • “To The Kill” by Violent Femmes
  • “Lose Yourself” by Eminem

Yeah. I’m kind of all over the place.