As I struggle through my new life I am finding that I have so many more issues than I realized. I’m a hot mess, plain and simple. And just when I think I’ve got it figured out some random, innocuous, and stupid thing will hit me up side the head and throw me into a tail spin.
I subscribe to a newsletter from a website called Psych Central, a throwback to my Psych Major days and the inner Psychologist in me that likes to pop her head out every now and then and get all up in someone elses business. And like they say, doctors and nurses make the worst patients … the same can be said for this. I feel like I’m pretty good at helping others talk through issues but when it comes to myself … I can’t talk myself into or out of anything really. So while I enjoy reading up on all things psychiatric … it also is a lot of self help related reading.
Today’s newsletter had an article that I needed and I needed it exactly right now.
Anyone who knows me well, knows that I struggle in my relationships. And not just “intimate” relationships, but all of them really. I struggle with many things, and all if it takes place in my own messed up brain. If I don’t get enough information, I start to assume and I usually assume the worst. I lack confidence in myself and so I just assume that everyone else also sees me the same way. My days are a constant struggle inside my head, using self talk and other coping mechanisims, to keep myself from devolving into a crying pile of goo.
Luckily I have some amazing friends and people who care about me and they know this. They know how to deal with me and what to say, and what not to say. And I am getting better at talking myself off the ledge but I still struggle. The post on Psych Central that helped me so much today was titled “Relationship Distress 101: Is It Them, Or Is It Me?” Chances are … it’s me.
My biggest take-away from reading this: identify your button and make sure others know about it. If I can identify the thing or things that set me off, and I can make others aware of them, as silly as they may be, I can help them help me . My main issues rarely stem from something someone else is doing “wrong” but from something they just may not be doing at all that I might need personally to help my brain chill the fuck out. I need information. Affirmation. Validation. And if I don’t verbally hear these things I start to assume and when I assume it never goes well. It goes way beyond that old adage of making an ass of myself. I can throw myself into a full blown, bottomed out, bipolar-depressive, ugly-cry, ball of mess.
So … note to anyone out there wondering. I’m not needy, I’m wanty. Feed me with lots of attention, yummy food, backrubs a few times a week, an occasional beer or some nice whiskey or scotch, and I’ll love you forever.