I’ve been sitting on this quote for a while now, hesitant to share it on Facebook, as I know I will receive an onslaught of “what’s wrongs?” and “are you okays?” and I don’t want to have to explain in that venue. Honestly there isn’t much to explain. Hard to explain things that you don’t really understand yourself. I don’t know what causes my Biploar swings. It’s super annoying because if I could avoid whatever it is that takes me from a great place and puts me in a shitty place, I’d totally avoid it. However, it isn’t that easy. Life is way more complex than that, and I’m a complex person.
Being a complex person can make life interesting, to say the least. But it can cause some problems as you may well know. I think the majority of us are pretty complex folks and things like feelings and emotions and beliefs are not always cut and dried. There are lots of in-betweens and almosts and kind-ofs involved.
My current dilemma has to do with not knowing. Of being unsure. I really don’t like it. And my difficulty lies in that I’m in one way an introvert who avoids confrontation at all costs. I don’t like asking difficult questions or going to places that may be uncomfortable. But dammit, I want to know the answers anyway and when I don’t, it leaves me … thinking too much. And being stuck inside my own brain is not always a great place to be. Many people would describe me as outgoing and confident in a way that is true. But I’m also not at all. Not even a little. And when I’m stuck in my own brain, my insecurities take total control and I end up creating a million different variants of what the reality could be and none of them are ever good.
So currently, I’m in a situation where I just don’t know. I don’t know where I stand. I don’t’ know where things are going. I just don’t know and it’s making me a little coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs. Some days I think I know, and then I just tell myself that maybe that is just wishful thinking. Then I tell myself to stop being so negative. Then I tell myself to stop worrying so much and just let life happen. Then I ask myself “can you die from loneliness?” Then I tell myself to get a fucking grip and stop the pity party. Then I either drink heavily or cry myself to sleep. Sometimes both.
A rational person would just ask the questions to get the answers, but I’m not a very rational person much of the time. So instead I assume and imagine and wonder and worry and make myself … well I make myself sad. And I know I’m doing it to myself … which also makes me sad. There is nothing worse than being a self-aware over-thinker.
When I become sad I tend to shut down. Which also does NOT help things much. Then, after I shut down for a bit, I over-compensate by regurgitating every inappropriate and funny thing I can find onto my social media pages in an attempt to convince myself and everyone else that “I’m winning at life!” and “I’ve got this!” and “Everything is fine over here!” when in reality I’m a giant puddle of goo on the inside that just wants someone to pick her up and put her in their pocket and take care of her.
So anyone who actually reads these on a regular basis and follows my ridiculousness on Facebook or wherever .. when I go quiet it’s only temporary. I’ll pull myself out of it either with some kick ass self talk or lots of vodka. And I’ll be dropping F bombs in public again real soon. It will take more than Bipolar Disorder, over-thinking, and crippling self-doubt to knock me out of this race.
* NaBloPoMo: Day 9 *